Sunday, March 17, 2013

Vatican Idol- Season I

It's been a long time since an event has compelled me to write. And as you might expect, the event falls into the "Big Three" of  topics:  Religion, Politics and Bacon.  In this case, I'm talking about the election of the new leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis I.

As an extremely dormant Catholic, Papal matters normally don't interest me.  I wouldn't say that I've entirely abandoned my religion, but lets just say I metaphorically went our for cigarettes 20 years ago and haven't come back.  But the drama and intrigue of a Pope giving his two weeks notice drew me in for a few reasons.  Afterall, this is only the second time this has happened in Betty White's lifetime.

Interesting sidenote, but what really forced me to revisit my religion was the whole notion of the College of Cardinals having some extra time to find his replacement.  Normally after one Pope expires, they want to replace him as quickly as possible before people start jumping ship.

So there they were with two extra weeks to contemplate the next leader of 1 billion registered Catholics.  Just enough time for me to update my resume get it to the Vatican.  Now, I'm not so delusional that I thought I had a good chance at being the next Pontiff.  Afterall, my resume is extremely light in theology, I only know enough latin to pick up chicks in law school, and I haven't stepped foot inside a Catholic Church in five years, unless you count cutting through the parking lot on my way to Steak and Shake.

Still, I thought maybe they would mix it up a bit this time.  Look for something different that would attract younger Catholics.  Maybe look at the millenials and see this as the religious version of "bring your own device" to work.  Afterall, the Pope was on Twitter for a day and a half.  Perhaps after centuries of electing guys who had one red shoe in the grave, they wanted a fresh face.

But Alas, just days before Pope Francis was fitted for his golden ring from Shane Company, I recieved a form rejection letter for the College of Cardinals.  It was almost verbatim (from the latin word verbum...ahem) to the letters I recieved in my twenties.  Not enough experience, qualifications don't match responsibilities, please apply again when you're a Cardinal, blah blah blah.

Then the black smoke.  Black smoke.  More black smoke.  And finally, white smoke.  The Cardinals fell back into the traditional methods of electing a new Pope and missed a golden opportunity to modernize the Catholic franchise.  Instead of giving all of the power to a few hundred of the 1 billion Catholics worlwide ,why not open up voting to all of us?  It could be like American Idol, only better because there would be no Randy Jackson.

We could even allow the Cardinals to narrow the field down to the top 12 contestants, and then let the Catholic masses take it from there every Thursday at 8:00 Eastern.  The top 12 contestants could be judged weekly in areas such as, "best latin, "best miracle", "coolest hat", and of course the "X" factor.  Or the XIII factor if you were planning to choose the Papal name Pius.  Pope Benedict could even coach them kind of like that guy Jimmy on American Idol.  And the Dalai Lama could be a guest judge.

Voters could text their votes to POPE04 where standard texting charges may apply.  They could even vote on the Papal name, which could also use some updating in my humble opinion.  How about replacing "Pope Pius" with Pope PiuZ, or "Pope Innocent" with "Pope Inno$ent Featuring Meely KrewZ".

I realize that in the eyes of many Cardinals, this would be only slightly more popular than electing an aetheist, or Sean Penn.  It would be a the huge departure from traditional release of carbon monoxide into the atmosphere after each vote, but I'm sure College of Cardinals would love the ratings.  It might even launch a few careers of Cardinals who don't get elected Pope.  They might get signed by another religion, put out a solo album or choose the path Reuben Studdard and sink back even further into obscurity.

Had I been offered the job, I certainly would have considered this model for my successor.  Who knows- maybe I'll get a call back during the next vacancy as my letter said they would keep my resume on file.