"The Cleanse Diet" or "How I Lived Without Bacon for Seven Days"

Some of you may know that Mrs. MacT is a vegetarian.  Technically she's an ovo-lacto vegetarian, which means she eats dairy and egg.  By most standards, she's a vegetarian and has been since college.  But I knew this when we met.  It wasn't as if she surprised me three years into our marriage, suddenly switching sides in the middle of the game.  I knew what I was getting into.  Or so I thought.

Since our nuptials it has been an implicit, mutual understanding that I wouldn't attempt to sway her back to the omnivore side, and she would not attempt to turn me into a kale slurping, lentil eater.  So far it has worked fairly well.  Even during pregnancy cravings when she talked about buffalo wings non-stop for three weeks, I held up my end of the agreement by eating them in the other room.  And bless her malnourished little heart, she is happy to prepare animal-based dishes for me and the little MacTs.

However recently, Mrs. MacT read a book about a dietary "cleanse" and for reasons beyond my comprehension, I decided to accompany her on this journey through gastronomic hell.  And though this cleanse technically allows for some meat, I feel like I'm dangerously close to other side, albeit temporarily.

So why am I embarking on this little adventure?  I honestly have no clue.  I already consider myself a healthy person; I work out regularly, eat very little processed or unhealthy food and haven't seen the inside of a McDonald's since 1987.  I do have my vices, like anyone.  And this is where this little challenge will get tough, even though it's only for seven days.  I love coffee (32 oz per day like clockwork)- no caffeine.  I love scotch (not to the point of singing, dancing, crying or fighting but I enjoy a good dram of single malt weekly, especially when I write)- no alcohol.  I love bacon (do I need to explain why?)- no bacon.  In fact, this cleanse goes beyond detoxification of free radicals and also forbids foods that are normally considered healthy; bananas, oranges, strawberries, tomatoes, Captain Crunch...you get the picture.

For the next seven days, I'll be feasting primarily on lentils, quinoa, broccoli, kale, grean tea, brown rice, rice milk, apples, almonds and coldwater fish- whatever that is. 

At the end of seven days, I hope to have regained some natural energy, rejuvenated my body's ability to heal itself, improved my general sense of well being, and added four inches to my vertical leap.  At least that's what the book promises.  Time will tell.  In the meantime:

Goodnight coffee
Goodnight moon
Goodnight cow made of cheeseburgers jumping over the moon
Goodnight scotch, and the glass of Harpoon....

This is making me a little sad.  More to come...











  

Charlie Sheen is in Fact- Winning

Have you ever looked back at a particular moment in history and thought, "Boy did society get that wrong.  What the hell were those people thinking?  Slavery?  The Inquisition?  Parachute pants?" 

We've all been quick to point and snicker at the one ring circus that is Charlie Sheen's life.  But I have a nagging feeling folks, that we're going to look back at this at some point and realize Charlie was right.  It may not be tomorrow.  It may not be next year, or in the next 20 years.  It may not even be before the Cubs win another World Series.  But mark my words, eventually this Inconvenient Truth Torpedo will tear a hole in our collective stern larger than Jay Leno's chin.  He is winning and we are losing.

Lets face it- none of us live in Beverly Hills collecting $2 million dollars to do whatever it is he does.  Maybe he is winning, and we're just miserable, stinking trolls who are held in bondage by organizations like AA, AAA, the ABA and the USDA.  If we were to score my life against Charlie's, Sheen would be pitching a shutout.

Charlie Sheen:  Tiger blood; Adonis DNA
Me:  Guinea Pig blood, SpongeBob Squarepants DNA
Advantage, Sheen

Charlie Sheen:  Rock Star from Frickin' Mars
Me:  Subway Sandwich Artist from Frickin' Des Moine

Advantage,  Sheen

Charlie Sheen: Highest paid actor on TV

Me:  Third highest paid guy on the lunch shift

Advantage, Sheen:

Charlie Sheen:  Warlock

Me:  Not a Warlock

Advantage, Sheen

Charlie Sheen:  Starred in movie "Major League"

Me:  Can quote the move "Major League"
Advantage, Sheen

So maybe in the real world, none of these comparisons really matter.  By all accounts, anyone who is happy is winning.  Charlie Sheen obviously is not.  He may have millions of dollars and all of the other acoutrements that fame can afford, but obviously the guy needs real help.  I feel bad for the actor who gave us such compelling performances in movies like Platoon, Wall Street and Hot Shots- Part Deux.  All kidding aside, I hope for his sake and his children, this he gets help quickly.