"The Cleanse Diet" or "How I Lived Without Bacon for Seven Days"

Some of you may know that Mrs. MacT is a vegetarian.  Technically she's an ovo-lacto vegetarian, which means she eats dairy and egg.  By most standards, she's a vegetarian and has been since college.  But I knew this when we met.  It wasn't as if she surprised me three years into our marriage, suddenly switching sides in the middle of the game.  I knew what I was getting into.  Or so I thought.

Since our nuptials it has been an implicit, mutual understanding that I wouldn't attempt to sway her back to the omnivore side, and she would not attempt to turn me into a kale slurping, lentil eater.  So far it has worked fairly well.  Even during pregnancy cravings when she talked about buffalo wings non-stop for three weeks, I held up my end of the agreement by eating them in the other room.  And bless her malnourished little heart, she is happy to prepare animal-based dishes for me and the little MacTs.

However recently, Mrs. MacT read a book about a dietary "cleanse" and for reasons beyond my comprehension, I decided to accompany her on this journey through gastronomic hell.  And though this cleanse technically allows for some meat, I feel like I'm dangerously close to other side, albeit temporarily.

So why am I embarking on this little adventure?  I honestly have no clue.  I already consider myself a healthy person; I work out regularly, eat very little processed or unhealthy food and haven't seen the inside of a McDonald's since 1987.  I do have my vices, like anyone.  And this is where this little challenge will get tough, even though it's only for seven days.  I love coffee (32 oz per day like clockwork)- no caffeine.  I love scotch (not to the point of singing, dancing, crying or fighting but I enjoy a good dram of single malt weekly, especially when I write)- no alcohol.  I love bacon (do I need to explain why?)- no bacon.  In fact, this cleanse goes beyond detoxification of free radicals and also forbids foods that are normally considered healthy; bananas, oranges, strawberries, tomatoes, Captain Crunch...you get the picture.

For the next seven days, I'll be feasting primarily on lentils, quinoa, broccoli, kale, grean tea, brown rice, rice milk, apples, almonds and coldwater fish- whatever that is. 

At the end of seven days, I hope to have regained some natural energy, rejuvenated my body's ability to heal itself, improved my general sense of well being, and added four inches to my vertical leap.  At least that's what the book promises.  Time will tell.  In the meantime:

Goodnight coffee
Goodnight moon
Goodnight cow made of cheeseburgers jumping over the moon
Goodnight scotch, and the glass of Harpoon....

This is making me a little sad.  More to come...











  

Charlie Sheen is in Fact- Winning

Have you ever looked back at a particular moment in history and thought, "Boy did society get that wrong.  What the hell were those people thinking?  Slavery?  The Inquisition?  Parachute pants?" 

We've all been quick to point and snicker at the one ring circus that is Charlie Sheen's life.  But I have a nagging feeling folks, that we're going to look back at this at some point and realize Charlie was right.  It may not be tomorrow.  It may not be next year, or in the next 20 years.  It may not even be before the Cubs win another World Series.  But mark my words, eventually this Inconvenient Truth Torpedo will tear a hole in our collective stern larger than Jay Leno's chin.  He is winning and we are losing.

Lets face it- none of us live in Beverly Hills collecting $2 million dollars to do whatever it is he does.  Maybe he is winning, and we're just miserable, stinking trolls who are held in bondage by organizations like AA, AAA, the ABA and the USDA.  If we were to score my life against Charlie's, Sheen would be pitching a shutout.

Charlie Sheen:  Tiger blood; Adonis DNA
Me:  Guinea Pig blood, SpongeBob Squarepants DNA
Advantage, Sheen

Charlie Sheen:  Rock Star from Frickin' Mars
Me:  Subway Sandwich Artist from Frickin' Des Moine

Advantage,  Sheen

Charlie Sheen: Highest paid actor on TV

Me:  Third highest paid guy on the lunch shift

Advantage, Sheen:

Charlie Sheen:  Warlock

Me:  Not a Warlock

Advantage, Sheen

Charlie Sheen:  Starred in movie "Major League"

Me:  Can quote the move "Major League"
Advantage, Sheen

So maybe in the real world, none of these comparisons really matter.  By all accounts, anyone who is happy is winning.  Charlie Sheen obviously is not.  He may have millions of dollars and all of the other acoutrements that fame can afford, but obviously the guy needs real help.  I feel bad for the actor who gave us such compelling performances in movies like Platoon, Wall Street and Hot Shots- Part Deux.  All kidding aside, I hope for his sake and his children, this he gets help quickly.

Oprah's Frontal Assault on Omnivores

My fourth least favorite person on the planet, Oprah Winfrey, recently launched another attack on my God given right to enjoy a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.  I'm referring to, of course, Ms. Winfrey's 2011 Vegan Challenge.

The challenge:  no eating meat, fish, dairy, eggs or anything derived from the animal kingdom for seven days.  The irony:  She partook in this challenge while still wearing her leather shoes and perfume derived from whale fat among other animal-based consumer products.   Two years ago, the "queen of whatever is trendy" attempted a 21-day vegan cleanse of her own, but apparently was not impressed enough with the lifestyle for it to stick.  This year she lowered the bar to seven days, but also dragged 378 poor saps on her payroll into this Godforsaken baconless world.

The results were apparently mixed, though I'm sure the challenge's sponsor, Kathy Freston, would consider the experiment a huge success.  Oprah Winfrey just promoted her books and lifestyle for the second time in two years, and several of the lab rats actually had some very nice sound bites and anecdotes.  I'd call that a financial success if I were Ms. Freston, too. 

So here is my standard disclaimer:  I don't care what you eat, and I would appreciate it if you didn't care what I eat.  If you want to promote healthy eating, that's great.  But don't assume that people who aren't in lock step with your lifestyle are any less healthy or happy.  I recently read some of the results and reactions, and question the interpretation on Oprah's site.
------
"Some staffers had a harder time with the challenge than others. Co-Producer Veronica says she used to eat a lot of fast food, and eating vegan left her feeling "angry." Kathy told her it was because she had an addiction."

Addiction?  Color me reactionary, but Kathy Freston has no business diagnosing anyone with an addiction.  She's not a doctor.  Or a psychologist.  She's not even a nutritionist.  In fact, I'm pretty sure she isn't even a certified yoga instructor.  Her credentials?  She began modeling at the age of 16,  married too young and was involved in a bad relationship.  Re-married a wealthy producer (who happens to be currently working for the Oprah Winfrey network) and wrote a book about her previous relationship.  Later, she proclaimed herself a wellness expert and began writing other books.  Thanks for the addiction diagnosis, but do you mind if I get a second opinion from my wife's equally qualified hair colorist?

As for the anger; I'd be angry too if I were staring at a bowl full of kelp for lunch.  Me, personally, I'd rather get punched in the groin by a five year old with a runny nose and bad table manners.

-------

"By the third day, Rich says he felt better than he had in 10 years. Before the challenge, Rich says he was taking six to eight antacids a day and suffering from migraine headaches. "And let's qualify it, I ate horribly," he says. "I ate poor foods. Now I don't. And I lost 11 pounds."

Eleven pounds in one week?  Someone obviously removed part of Rich's brain, which was included in total weight loss.  Note to Rich: you can eat healthy, lose weight and still be an omnivore.  Really.  There are, like, hundreds of us who do it.


-------

"By the end of the week, 300 of the 378 Harpo staffers who signed up successfully completed the challenge. Collectively, they lost 444 pounds and gained 84 pounds...and used a record amount of toilet paper.

78 Harpo staffers have a modicum of intelligence.  378 people lost a total of 360 pounds (444 minus 84 gained) in one week.  That's less than one pound per staffer, which equates to two glasses of water.  Don't aggregate the numbers to make them sound more impressive.  And what about the tiolet paper consumption?  Wasting normally productive time while sitting on the can, killing trees to produce "record amounts" toilet paper and wasting thousands of additional gallons of water flushing toilets.  How does this factor into the green lifestyle?

The real result of Oprah's challenge?  More air time for this unqualified whack job to sell her books.  As I've stated before, everything in moderation (except bacon).  I agree that people should be conscious, healthy eaters, except around the holidays or during March Madness.   But what I don't agree with is Oprah turning her mindless minions into lentil recipe exchanging stepford wives because some fly-by-night wellness "expert" thinks veganism is the new Prius.

A Battle for our Hearts, Minds and Stomachs

There is a silent war raging in America. A war without weapons, but not without casualties. It’s tearing apart families and destroying relationships. Battles are taking place on college campuses, in homes, grocery stores, restaurants, on Match.com and Twitter. At stake in this conflict are our very souls, and our rightful position atop the food chain. I’m talking about the battle of herbivores versus omnivores.

For those of us in the trenches, the battles intensify with each passing year. Restaurants are bypassed due to a lack of vegetarian options. Side dishes are increasingly becoming main dishes at holiday dinners and office parties. And looks of disapproval are intensifying with each mouth-watering forkful of pork tenderloin braised with a white wine, rosemary and shallot reduction.

For some, this battle is about health. For some, it’s ethics. For others, it’s about freedom of choice. Discussing dietary lifestyles can be both emotionally and politically charged. Conservative versus liberal. Vegetarian versus Omnivore. Vegan versus Pescatarian.

The herbivore’s conundrum is their argument that we are just another one of God’s creatures. What gives us the right to kill and eat another of God’s creatures? The paradox is that God’s creatures are continuing to kill and eat each other on a regular basis. Ah, but we are a more evolved creature; on a higher plane than God’s “other” creatures. So if this is true, we are not “just” another of God’s creatures. We must be above them. And what better way to prove that we’re above them, than to kill and eat them?

The omnivore’s dilemma, well, apparently we’re nihilistic, unethical, heartless, earth scorchers because we occasionally enjoy buffalo wings or a McRib sandwich.

Personally, I make no judgments about one’s dietary choices. I am an omnivore, and no book, movie, television commercial or haiku will ever change this. I’ve even tried my own version of the 100-mile diet, eating only food processed at plants within 100 miles of my home. It was much harder than I thought, primarily because I don’t know my geography.

The way I see the animal kingdom is fairly simplistic. There are three types of animals; pets, food and everything else. I don’t condone the cruelty to any of these groups, though I wouldn’t scratch someone who occasionally kicks a cat off of my Christmas card list. Some cats are just asking for it.

All I ask in return is that others don’t make judgments about my dietary choices. Don’t recommend movies like, “Food Inc.”, books like, “The Omnivore’s Dilemma”, or CDs by Sarah McLaughin. Don’t make snide comments about the amount of nitrates in my bacon wrapped hot dog kabobs. And don’t expect me to eat arugula as an entrée on a regular basis. Everything in moderation. People who consistently criticize vegetarians tend to be somewhat Neanderthalic; and pure vegans, well let’s just say some can suck the fun right out of the room.

As the conflict intensifies, the omnivores appear to be losing ground. Up to 13% percent of the U.S. population considers themselves vegetarian or semi-vegetarian. Semi vegetarians may continue to eat eggs (ovo-vegetarian), or dairy (lacto-vegetarian), fish (pescatarian) or Jello and/or Jello Pudding Pops, which contain dairy and gelatin (Jello Pudding Popsatarian). An additional 17% of the U.S. population has indicated that they will likely reduce animal intake in the future. Great news for bean growers.

In the meantime, where the lives of omnivores and herbivores are intertwined, a psychological tug of war is taking place.

“You’re killing helpless animals.”
“I’m ridding the world of carbon producing cows. You’re killing oxygen-producing plants. Now who is the bad guy?”
“You’re going to die of heart disease.”
“You’re anemic.”
“You’re a heartless ogre.”
“I hear ogre is the new bison. I probably taste delicious. You’re high maintenance.”

Not all conflicts are this overt. Many of these messages are merely implied. But the battles are still very real, and each side believes they have a trump card. Herbivores secret weapon is their belief that vegetarianism will save the planet and the human race. And omnivore’s secret weapon is bacon.

Vegetarian web sites have sound the validation cry as they publish the latest vegetarian statistics and poll results. But like all battles, there are stories, like this, behind the statistics.   My job- to bring these stories to you.  More to come.