Plushenko Discredits Saints Super Bowl Victory

Yevgeny Plushenko, who recently criticized Evan Lysacek's Olympic gold medal performance has recently turned his sour grapes ire toward the Super Bowl Champion New Orlean Saints.  Through an interpreter, Plushenko was quoted, "I was positive that the Colts should have won that Super Bowl.  Maybe they felt the Saints needed it more and the Colts already had one.  I don't know how you can consider yourself a world champion when you have a defense made of swiss cheese."  Plushenko was referring to the Saints winning the championship despite giving up an average of 52 points per game during the regular season.

Plushenko continued, "If you can win a championship by playing offense only, it's not a sport.  It's arena football."  Drew Brees was shocked and hurt by the comments. "I guess I was a little disappointed that someone who was my role model would take a hit at me in probably one of the most special moments of my life that I'll never forget, regardless of what anyone said there.  I've even attempted to grow a wicked mullet like Yevgeny in his honor."

Brees was also quoted, "For him to discredit the Saints is not right, it's probably the strongest Saints team there has ever been.  In fact, as soon as this interview is over, the Plushenko posters in my bedroom are coming down and I'm shaving off the mullet.  But maybe he said some things in the heat of the moment and I should give him the benefit of the doubt.  So I'll still keep the autographed 2005 world championships leotard."

Later that day, Plushenko was also overheard criticizing last year's American Idol winner, Kris Allen.  "I don't know how you can be the American Idol when you cannot even hold a C flat for at least 45 seconds.  It's no longer singing, it's rapping."

Allen could not be reached for comment.

Hacked off at China: Google takes on the Red Dragon

I realize this news isn't as mainstream as Heidi Montag getting 34 plastic surgeries last month at a drive-thru clinic in California, but I argue that it's slightly more important.  Over the past decade, the Chinese have been perperating extremely sophisticated and coordinated cyber attacks on a variety of U.S. interests from goverment to large corporations.  These attacks rarely make big news for a variety of reasons, but recently Google has decided to raise a red flag.

Google has threatened to shut down their Chinese search engine and pull out of the country unless the government agrees to allow uncensored search in the communist country.  The event that prompted their tough stance was a serious attack on their infrastructure.  An attack that Google has all but officially accused the Chinese government of conducting.  Of course the Chinese deny involvement.  Right.  And Mongolia built that wall to keep the Chinese out.

We all know that the Chinese are dirty players and power hungry, but these attacks can be construed as an act of war-like agression.  Interpol estimates roughly $1 trillion in stolen intellectual property was stolen through hacking in 2008.  The vast majority of attacks originate in Russia and China and even though their governments deny involvement, their words are meaningless.  They stand there like four-year olds with icing all over their faces, and deny eating the cake.

So why do we treat cyber theft so lightly?  If the Chinese government waltzed into Bank of America and stole $1 billion dollars, we'd have the entire Pacific fleet parked off of the coast of Japan.  Yet because the crimes happen electronically, nobody seems to care.  They are on the other side of the world, not at our borders but their intent is the same:  cripple us, while they grow stronger.

So how much is enough and what should our retaliation be against the Chinese?  Government sponsored cyber warfare?  Boycotts?  Miltary action?  I don't believe Military action is the right answer, and cyber attacks might escalate into mass chaos.  But maybe the old adage of living and dying by the sword could still apply.  They attack us with computers; we attack them with computers.  The difference is that we drop our from airplanes over Beijing and Shang Hai.

Would several thousand desktops cause billions of dollars in damage?  No, but it would sure get their attention.

Johnny Carson Wants Jay Leno's and Conan O'Brien's Time Slots

Zelda Von Hursting, a Hollywood clairvoyant has recently announced that Johnny Carson has been communicating from the grave, and boy is he pissed.  The late host of the Tonight Show is apparently angry at NBC, Jay and Conan for making such a debacle of late night talk shows.

Speaking through Ms. Von Hursting, Carson is quoted, "I spent my entire career building the brand 'The Tonight Show' and now the nutjobs at NBC are making it the laughing stock of late night television.  Jesus H. Christ- why don't they just hire Chevy Chase, for crying out loud."  Carson is referring to the feud between Leno and O'Brien that started when NBC asked Conan to move the start of his show back 30 minutes to accommodate Leno's request.

"Neither of these guys is particularly funny," Carson continued, "and frankly I'm thinking about making a come back from the grave.  I could do a two hour show, taking both slots and get better ratings than these hacks.  Hell, I'll even do it for free.  Heaven is great and all, but I'm bored out of my friggin' skull.  It's been 15 years of listening to Lincoln talk about how he freed the slaves, and Einstein talk about how wrong his theories were, all while listening to John Denver play the harp.  Now I know why they call this eternity."  Carson added.

It was later learned that Carson's medium has been in negotiations with Jeff Zucker, President of NBC to discuss Carson's potential comeback.  Ed McMahon's medium could not be reached for comment.

Michaela Salahi Attacks Pope

Pope Benedict XVI was attacked during a Christmas Eve mass at St. Peter's Basilica by what authorities are calling "a disturbed woman".  The woman apparently jumped a security barrier while the Pope was giving his Christmas sermon.  The woman was wrestled to the ground, but only after posing for several photos with the pontiff before dragging him to the floor.  The pontiff was uninjured, though he couldn't quite get his hat to sit straight afterwards.  The woman was later identified as Washington D.C. fame-seeking missile Michaela Salahi.

In what Salahi describes as a misunderstanding, she claims she was invited to the pulpit though she could produce no evidence.  It was later revealed that she and her husband were attempting to secure invitiations through a series of e-mails to Archbishop Donald Wuerl.  Wuerl denies ever getting the Salahis "on the list".

In an interview with Larry King shortly after the incident, Michaela was quoted, "This is completely embarrasing.  Who would have the gaul and bad behavior to tackle the Pope unless invited?  We will be vindicated."

Others in the audience were completely shocked by the scene including rap star Kanye West.  "I couldn't believe it.  I was just about to grab the mic from his papalness to give a shout out to Beyonce, but the freak beat me to it."

Vatican security is currently considering a revision to its policy that states, "Any old whack job who loves the baby Jesus is welcome to attend mass".

America's debt ceiling: Congress keeps raising the roof.

$12,082,000,000,000 is America's current debt ceiling.  Now I know what you're thinking.  $12 trillion doesn't really sound like much when you consider the New York Yankees payroll, but our debt is quickly approaching our gross domestic product (GDP) of $14 trillion.  GDP is essentially the entire economic output of a country- all goods and services made and sold.  And if the mupits in Washington have their way, the debt seiling will be raised another $1.9 trillion.  Trillion.  I'll say it one more time.  Trillion.

Why is our debt climbing at astronomical rates?  Because congress continues to buy their job security by spending money we don't have.  The last time our debt surpassed our GDP was during World War II.  I think we can all agree that deficit spending was justified then.  But what gives congress the right to ask for an additional $2 trillion dollars when our current debt is more than the bottom 160 countries 2008 GDPs combined?    

At what point do we hold these power-hungry fools in Washington accountable?  This isn't mommy and daddy's credit card bills they're running up.  Call me old fashioned, but I'm thinking maybe we need to cut spending and pay off some bills.  Just a thought.  Our debt this fiscal year alone is $1.5 trillion.

In the meantime, we're going to hit our debt ceiling in the next few weeks so congress has no choice but to raise the limit, or stop paying our bills.  The question is, just how much will they raise the debt ceiling, and when will someone throw some cold water in the faces of the spendaholics on The Hill?

More to come on this...

AIG Executives Threaten To Quit Over Compensation: Americans Cheer

So I’m surfing the Internet in search of solar-powered gopher repeller for my father’s Christmas present when I come across the following headline “Five AIG say may quit over pay”. Five senior executives from AIG threatened to quit if their pay is cut significantly by the U.S. pay czar.


Here I am with a budget of $39.95, looking for an eco-friendly way to rid dad’s vegetable garden of varmints and these worthless, delusional bean smackers are concerned about gold plating their toilet seats.
 

Don’t let the taxpayer-owned door hit you on the way out, you frauds.

AIG was the recipient of $180 billion in taxpayer dollars in 2008 due to the gross mismanagement of the company. Now those responsible for the mismanagement are threatening to quit if they might occassionally have to buy their suits off the rack. These very same incompetent wind bags received over $165 million in bonuses this past March. A mere 400 employees split this bonus pool, some receiving as much as $6.5 million dollars immediately after ruining the largest insurance company in the world.  Yet they want more.  I don't get it.  This sounds like credit default swap logic to me.  

If it wasn’t for the taxpayers $180 billion, these Gilligans would have been out of a job. They are lucky. If they were capable, they would not have driven AIG beyond the brink of disaster. They are incompetent. And now they are threatening to leave if we do not continue to make them wealthier. They are greedy.

Lucky, incompetent and greedy. Sounds like they’ve earned another big payday to me.

Do we really want the same brain trust that ran AIG into the ground at the helm when they are now 80% owned by taxpayers? I say let them quit and replace them with five Magic 8-Balls.  It would be a vast improvement in decision quality.

AIG empty suite: “Magic 8-Ball, should we gamble the company’s future and our shareholder’s money on credit default swaps?”

Magic 8-Ball: “Ask again later”

Later...

AIG empty suite: “Magic 8-Ball, should we gamble the company’s future and our shareholder’s money on credit default swaps?”

Magic 8-Ball: “Are you smoking crack?  Jesus H. Christ.  You don't need to be a Magic 8-Ball to realize that's a stupid idea.  Now put me back in my box you dipshit.”

Disaster averted.

If they do quit, I will gladly hire them and do the exact opposite of everything they tell me to do.  Then I'll retire in about 90 days.

The Salahis, "Protection" Against Lawsuits, Obesity v. Hunger and Other Odds and Ends

Traveling this week which means a lot of headline news and airport sandwiches.  Here are the things I've learned this week inbetween sleep, meetings and sleeping in meetings.

Michaele and Tareq Salahi-  Apparently these two pathological, attention-starved, lightweight con artists were no-shows at a Congressional hearing today where they were to be questioned about their super fun White House party crashing behavior.  Apparently they weren't comfortable showing up invited.

It was also revealed today that the Secret Service learned of the breach via Michaela's Facebook page.  This begs the question, what were Secret Service agents doing surfing Facebook?  Searching for national security threats?  Is this part of the FBI Carnivore program?  If they are perusing the social network sites they should consider renaming the program to Omnivore.  I wonder how many followers Bin Laden has on Twitter. 

Teacher Sues New York Department of Education After Slipping on Condom- Karen Hollander, a teacher at a Manhattan high school is suing over injuries obtained from slipping on a discarded condom in the school cafeteria.  She may be the first person to ever sue over slipping on a banana peel.  According to the suit, the condoms were handed out during school and some students took it upon themselves to open them during lunch and discard them.  Unused, I assume. 

The suit states, "They caused, allowed and permitted condoms to be distributed by school personnel to the students, many of which were opened during the school lunch period and thrown on the floor."  My first question is why did they open them during lunch?  Don't they know the difference between condoms and condiments?  My second question is whether this suit is about her fall, or does she condemn condom conduits at school? 

Students denied graduation due to obesity-  25 students at Lincoln University in Oxford, Pennsylvania may be denied graduation due to an obscure requirement.  According to the university's relatively new policy, students must have a Body Mass Index (BMI) below 30, or have completed a course entitled "Fitness for Life" in order to graduate. 

Personally I'm all in favor of reducing obesity rates but I'm not sure this is a good solution.  The university means well, but they have crossed the line.  If this requirement is allowed, what will stop universities from imposing other "well-meaning" lifestyle requirements for graduation.  Imagine the course catalog:

"How Not to Look Like a Tool in Public 101"- Syllabus: How not to wear your Bluetooth in a grocery store (or anywhere for that matter), How to clip your toenails before flying sockless because the guy behind you in the security line has no interest in seeing your gnarly yellow toenails that look like concealed weapons, What not to eat before a four-hour meeting with your superiors, Cycling shorts are for cycling not basketball...

"Driving Like There Are Other People in the World 101"...

You get the point.

Kate Moss Gives a Shout Out to Anorexia- "Nothing Tastes as Good as Skinny Feels"  Really?  Has she ever heard of bacon?  Her agent is claiming that the quote was taken out of context.  A 35-pound, chain smoking supermodel chooses skinny over food.  I think we have the proper context, Olive Oil.  Maybe she needs to change her slogan to, "Nothing Sounds as Bad as Stupid Feels".  Think about it.  Or not.

Americans are Starving.  Wait, no We're Not-  Data from the USDA report was misinterpreted and misreported.  Media was claiming that 49 million Americans went hungry last year, including 17 million children.  Actual data from the report indicates that 49 million people experienced "food insecurity" which means that they worried about food, but only 1.6% of adults and 0.1% of children actual went an entire day without food.  Anything above 0% of children going a day without food is too high, but things are not nearly as dire as USA Today, the New York Times and the Washington Post led people to believe with their headlines and articles. 

Actual headlines about this story:

USA Today:  "Wake Up Call: 1 in 6 Americans went hungry in 2008"
New York Times:  "49 million Americans reported lack of food"
The Washington Post: "America's economic pain brings hunger pangs"
Philadelphia Inquirer: "Hunger on rise in U.S."
National Enquirer:  "Batboy really hungry in 2008:  Eats own arms"

Okay, I made that last one up.  But someone is starving, alright.  The newspapers are starving for readers.