The Swine Flu Chronicles: Day Three

(continued from posts beginning on 11/16)

7:00AM- Woke up feeling normal. Got out of bed craving waffles, but apparently there is a nationwide Eggo shortage. Damn that Kelloggs corporation trying to artifically drive up demand and prices. Who do they thnk they are? Nintendo? Mrs. MacTavish made a fine alternative and had breakfast in bed yet again. Getting used to this. She is getting over this.

8:00AM- Check e-mail. Everything appears to be fine at the office. Ask if I am allowed to leave the room yet. It is now Wednesday morning and I have not left the bedroom/sitting room/master bath since 11:30PM Sunday. As much as I love these rooms, I need to get the hell out. I also need to get away from the smell of Lysol. The response to my request for parole, "What do you need to do that is worth getting the kids sick?" Nothing...I slink back into bed.

9:00AM- Hop online and head to WebMD to see when the "contagious window" closes. Seven days? That's a bunch of crap. Who writes this stuff? My mother? Cabin fever is setting in, big time. Turn on the tube to catch Palin pitching her book again. She looks awful conformist for someone "going rogue". Turn off tube and finally finish book I started three months ago.

11:00AM- Mrs. MacTavish comes home with some new chairs and invites me downstairs to see them. Haven't walked on stairs in days, so I'm a little nervous. They're exactly as I remember them and all goes well. Stay in living room for a full ten minutes soaking in the atmosphere.

12:00 Noon- Lunch in bed. Check e-mail, surf the Web. Feeling a little tired but not at all like the first two days. Ready to go back to work. But not recommended. Mrs. MacTavish makes an awesome soup and sandwich lunch. Lunch delivery has sort of a prison feel to it. She comes into the room and places the food in a "drop zone". I'm not allowed to get out of bed and approach the food until she has left the room. When finished, I place the dishes back in the drop zone and get back in bed. She sprays them with Lysol before picking them up.

2:00 PM- Flip to HBO 9 and catch Apollo 13 about an hour into the movie. Excellent. Plan to finally watch through to the end. Fall asleep after they fix the carbon issue. No strange dreams, unless you consider Lasik surgery strange.

4:00 PM- Awake and refreshed. Really want to get outside and go for a run. I've been warned that people have felt great after three or four days, and then get hit by a second wave. Pretty sure it won't happen, but heeding the advice of the Mrs. as I Do NOT want to hear, "I told you so". Starting to get hungry, but cannot feed myself and nobody is home to feed me. Starting to feel a little like our black lab. Lay down in front of the bedroom door and and exhale loudly. Doze off and dream of chasing squirrels.

5:00PM- The family arrives home and the kids slide their get well cards under the door. I pick up my cell phone and call the house phone to speak with them. Can't wait to spend real time with them again.

7:00PM- Watching news about Obama's trip to China. Oddly, there was more focus on Obama's meeting with his half-brother whom he barely knows. Was kind of hoping to hear more about our trade deficit with China. Maybe next story. Feeling completely normal. Really tired of the quarantine after three days. Could be much worse though, so I hate to complain.

9:00PM- Discovery has a special about the Mayan calendar and 2012. I suspect it won't be the last time they air this in the next three years. Looking forward to the wild parties on December 19th, 2012.

10:00PM- Started a new book on canines in 19th century needlepoint art. Fell asleep at 10:05.

The Swine Flu Chronicles: Day Two

(continued from previous posts)

5:30AM- Why am I up? Lay in bed thinking of donuts.

5:35AM- Back asleep. It's not as though donuts require much thought.

7:15AM- Wake up feeling slightly better. Mrs MacTavish brings me breakfast in bed, while the kids cautiously peek through the door to wish me well. Bagel and apple again as it's the only thing that appeals to me right now. Still feverish and sore, but don't feel nearly as miserable. Stomach still cramping.

8:00AM- Check the HBO guide where it appears that this is the week to feature Bride Wars, Kangaroo Jack, Hackers, Fred Claus and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II. I picked the wrong week to get sick. Begin watching Apollo 13 again from the point where I last fell asleep. Fall asleep after they stir the oxygen tanks and all hell breaks loose.

9:30AM- Take a long bath and some more Tamiflu. Sit and stare out of the bedroom window hoping for something exciting to happen like a meteor shower or a live musical to break out. Starting to get strange looks from people passing by. Check e-mail. Nothing at the office has exploded.

10:00AM- Attempt to read, but head hurts too much. Turn on TV and watch news coverage of Sarah Palin's new book, "Going Rogue". Not sure who is more annoying; Palin or the pundits. I feel like I'm about to go rogue.

11:00AM- Feeling feverish and fatigued so I lay in bed staring at the ceiling until lunch.

12:00 Noon- First real meal. Grilled cheese. Mrs. MacTavish makes the perfect grilled cheese. Not too grilled and not too cheesy. Immediately fall asleep after last bite. Strange dreams about changing our standard time measurements. Hours are now only 45 minutes. This bumps us up to 32 hours daily. Now people can stop bitching about there not being enough hours in the day.

3:00PM- Wake up feeling close to normal. Until I stand up too fast. Sit on sitting room couch and read stack of magazines that have been piling up since March. Start to feel sore again, so I take another bath.

4:30PM- Scanning the news channels. Palin is going Rogue on several other channels. No balloon hoaxes today. Plenty of loud-mouthed economists who claim to have this all figured out. Elvis is still dead.

6:00PM- Pizza for dinner served with love by Mrs. MacTavish. After catching up on some magazines, I turn on HBO12 to find Apollo 13 on again. Excellent. Maybe I'll see the ending this time. Fall asleep as they use the moon's gravity to slingshot back around toward earth.

8:00PM- Stomach has not been right today. Headaches have persisted, but not as intense. Joints are feeling better. Still running a slight fever. Say goodnight to kids through the crack in the door. So far, the worst part of the ordeal has been not being able to hug my family. My daughter fell on the stairs and I had to listen helplessly to her cry until her mom was able to get to her.

10:00PM- Just finished some reading and writing. No arithmetic. Apollo 13 is just starting. No way I'll make it to the end. Scan news channels. Hamad Karzai and Sarah Palin plan to release an album together. New recommendations on guidelines for when women should begin to get mammograms. A new task force (comprised of insurance companies?) suggests against routine mammograms for women under 50. The current recommendation is 40. And how do you explain this to those women who were diagnosed in their 40s? Morons.

10:30PM- Temperature almost back to normal. Lights out.

The Swine Flu Chronicles: Day One

(continued from post on 11/16)


6:15AM- Woke up 15 minutes early and something wasn't feeling quite right. Stomach was tight, head was cloudy. Attributed it to the Monday morning blues and attempted to put my feet on the floor. Whoa- feels like the morning after my bachelor party. Laid back down and went to sleep.

7:00AM- Woke up 45 minutes later still feeling the way Fidel Castro looks, showered, contemplated my day and wondered when I would snap out of it. At this point I was determined to get to the office. After driving well under the speed limit for 15 minutes, I contemplated pulling over and taking a nap. Chills, stomach pain, headache, morning radio. It was more than any man could bare. Decided to press on. Made it to the office garage with no intentions of staying. Took stairs and managed to avoid breathing on people or making eye contact while fetching my laptop. Made it back to my car and sat quietly attempting to muster up the energy to turn the ignition. As I was driving home, each bump in the road reminded me that leaving the house in the first place was a bad idea.

9:00AM- Was home and back in bed. Slept until noon having all sorts of strange fever-induced dreams about polenta, Albanian tax attorneys, Gilligan's Island and Cheez Whiz. Note to self: look those things up in a dream interpretation book.

12:00 Noon- Took temperature and Tylenol. My joints felt as though they were twisted in the wrong direction, my head felt like a tomato that had fallen to the floor and my body temperature seemed to fluctuate faster than the national healthcare plan.

2:00PM- I had dealt with my doctor and my prescription for Tamiflu was ready to be picked up. Mrs. MacTavish had officially quarantined me to our room. Spent the remainder of the afternoon in and out of sleep and strange dreams involving scotch tape and monkeys. While awake, I attempted to watch television. As luck would have it, we just signed up for a free trial of HBO. I had no idea there were 13 HBO channels now. Outstanding timing. Still no iPhone with the iSwine app though.

6:00PM- Finally managed to choke down an apple, a bagel and a quart of Gatorade. Head and body still felt like I went nine rounds with the Russian guy from Rocky V. Or was it Rocky IV? Started to watch Apollo 13, but fell asleep before launch.

8:00PM- Woke up in time to say good night to kids through the crack in the door. They're careful not to make eye contact with me. Started to watch the beginning of Apollo 13 again on a different HBO. Fell asleep during countdown. Slept off and on for the remainder of the night. Woke up at 5:00AM singing Cher's, "If I Could Turn Back Time". Had no idea I knew the lyrics.

Karma is a Female Pig: The Swine Flu Chronicles

10 days ago I was making light of the subject of Swine Flu while enjoying one of my favorite pastimes- making fun of the iPhone (see post on 11/5). Now it seems that this simple act of insolence has come back to take a nibble out of my posterior. Despite four months of wiping down door knobs, wearing masks on airplanes, holding my breath on elevators, marinating in a hand-sanitizer after meetings, wearing rubber gloves in public restrooms, wearing two pairs of rubber gloves in the state of New Jersey, reporting incidents of nose picking to the Center for Disease Control and kicking in the groin anyone who attempted to come within three feet of me, I have contracted the dreaded Swine Flu. Yes, the very same pandemic ailment that saturates the airwaves to the point of white noise, causing most Americans to roll their eyes and change the channel.

Okay, so maybe I wasn’t quite as paranoid as described but I did take a fair amount of precaution. But I suppose I was at a higher risk than most given that I’m on airplanes and public transportation far more than your average book-making taxidermist. I’ve never had the flu, let alone one named after a farm animal so I always wondered what it was like. I’m wondering no more, my friends.

Given the added dimension of precaution and paranoia, I thought I'd keep a daily journal of my illness and the associated quarantine. After reading this you can decide for yourself if you want to go out and get your own case on H1N1.

The following blog entries are almost entirely based on real events with only a dash of dramatic embellishment. Because let’s face it; who wants to read about some guy sleeping for five days straight? The names of the characters have been changed to protect the innocent. In some cases they’ve been changed twice. More to come.

iPhone Launches Swine Flu Application

Want to know if your friends or family have Swine flu? There's an app for that. Want to know which health clinic still has a supply of vaccine? There's an app for that.

Apple announced today that they are launching iSwine, the multi-purpose app that allows you to manage your life in an H1N1 world. iSwine allows hipsters and the wealthy alike to use the new iPhone body scanner to determine the presence of H1N1 from as far away as three meters. The body scan will also determine the person's identity through an x-ray of their jawbone leveraging another iPhone app, "iDentalDatabase". iSwine will then immediately send an instant message to everyone in their address book, calling circle, and Facebook friends list warning them to stay the hell away from "Captain Swine Flu".

The app can also locate clinics hoarding the vaccine and continually dial the phone number rapidly so others seeking vaccine information go right to voicemail. iSwine will then recommend the best vanilla latte and black turtleneck purveyors near the health clinic.

iSwine also provides live updates via iSwineMap on the spread of the virus through detecting the infection of other iPhone users. And if you are unlucky enough to get infected with H1N1, iSwine will immediately download five days of your favorite movies and music so you're fully entertained while quarantined.

Apple also announced plans to provide iPhone users with the ability to download the swine flu shot for just $0.99.

Why not? There's an app for everything else.