Tiger Woods Wife Heroically Rescues Him From Car Crash with Golf Club

Unless you've been asleep or in Tanzania for the past four days you've probably read about Tiger Woods slamming is 12,000-pound Cadillac Escalade into a defenseless cyprus tree.  And here I thought driving was Woods' specialty.  Sorry.  The rumors and speculation about the cause of the accident immediately started flying faster than Lindsay Lohan downing a Grey Goose and cranberry.  Was he doing his John Daly impersonation?  Was his wife beating him with a banjo as he sped away to sire illegitimate Swedish babies?

Personally, I don't care about the real cause of the accident, and understand his desire for privacy.  But Elin Wood's explanation of the events has just added fuel to the fire.  Her husband is in a car accident less than four rhododendrons away from their driveway, traveling at a speed that didn't even deploy the airbag and Elin decides to use his 9-iron as the "Jaws of Life". 

According to Mrs. Woods, she smashed the back windows of his Escalade with a golf club to rescue Tiger.  Really?  Tiger is unconscious in the driver's seat, next to a perfectly good door.  But her plan is to enter the vehicle through the jagged back window, drag her 200-pound husband some 38 feet over four rows of seats and then through the aforementioned jagged back window.  Right. 

Again- don't care about your personal life, but surely you could have come up with a better lie than this.  I can personally think of 10 reasons for smashing the back windows with a golf club that are far more credible than her story:

10.  Was angry at the Escalade for not deploying the airbags during crash.
9.    Thought Tiger was going to the driving range at 2:00am and was just trying to get his lucky 5-iron to him.
8.  Saw her own reflection in the glass holding a golf club and mistook the window for an attacker.
7.  Just trying to get his attention because he forgot to kiss her goodbye.
6.  Mistook the 12,000 pound car for a giant black golf ball.
5.  Thought the windows were shatterproof and was just trying to kill a palmetto.
4.  Sleep walking while dreaming of 12-cylinder pinatas.
3.  Practicing on the front lawn at 2:00am while eating buttery popcorn.  Lesson learned.
2.  This is just foreplay at the Woods household.  Had no idea neighbors were watching.
1.  C'mon.  It's Florida.  After seven Amaretto Sours, who doesn't like to smash up a car window, officer?  Why do you think so many episodes of "Cops" are filmed here?

Sorry, Mr. And Mrs. Woods.  Hope you guys get this all straightened out and have a long, loving marriage.  But in the meantime, maybe you need to keep your mouths shut and let this blow over.